This blog entry is going to be a little different from the rest, I won’t be hating on Hillary Clinton or ragging on Obama’s failed foreign policy. Instead, I want to write about the experience I endured when I had depression and how I dealt with it. When I turned 21, I moved out of my Mom’s house and into San Diego gay district, Hillcrest, a cute neighborhood up the road from Downtown San Diego. Needless to say, I did what most gay boy’s do when they find their inner freedom and can finally be themselves: I fucking raged.
I spent nearly two years partying, drinking, and doing things I really shouldn’t of been doing. I don’t regret my actions of the past, because I truly do believe that every event that occurs and person we meet has a specific purpose. Every interaction and feeling we emit to others happened for a reason. I regret nothing because I do not think I would be the person I am today if it wasn’t for these experiences in the first place. I was depressed, yet I appeared to be so happy and truly “myself”. Inside, I was dying. I was starting to not care. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I stopped caring about my own well-being. I hit rock bottom.
Hitting rock bottom was one of the hardest times of my life because I truly didn’t know if I had the strength in myself to pick up where I left off and get my life together. I was still partying, drinking, not being myself, and I was sick of it. However, I still did it. I still pretended to be happy and the more I faked it, the harder it got to get out of bed every morning. In those moments of darkness, I found God. I had stopped believing in God because of my sexuality. I let that break my relationship up with God and my savior, Jesus Christ. I found God, and he helped me find my true friends in a sea of uncertainty, and led me back to my family where it brought me to where I am today. See, when you let the light back into your field of darkness, good things happen. Good things always happen when you let them happen, when you let God guide you on your path. I look back at this time in my life and think, “damn, how did I get through that?”
I have no regrets for what I’ve endured. it’s truly made me a more resilient and stronger individual. It’s forced me to stop acting like a boy, and to starting acting more like a man. I went from not seeing a future and past the current semester I was in of college, and I transitioned into a motivated pre-law student who wants nothing more than to become a lawyer and help others. I want to practice the law because I want to help others when they might need it the most. I want to make positive changes in society, and even if I can’t see those changes right away, at least I know it will affect someone in a good way down the line. Every action and effort matters, every action or inaction we choose can and will have a effect at one point or another. We cannot stand down, when we must stand up.
These experienced have led me to where I am now currently. I am graduating from college this week, my last final is on Saturday May 6th. I will have my BA in political science with a minor in accounting and psychology. I will be attending Columbia Law school to pursue my Juris Doctor. I will do good things because I am allowing God to guide me on my path to do these good things. I trust him, and I am no longer scared or uncertain of my future. I went from being at the point of wanting to end my life, to being accepted to Harvard Law school. That statement I just typed out is something I never thought I would ever be able to say. Although I’m not going to Harvard since Columbia gave me a way better financial aid package, I went from hopeless, to being an ivyleague-er. I made it through the worst, and now I can only go up.
Be strong. And most of all, be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.